Doubting myself

I’m sat on my bed in my hospital room on my 6th admission. It wasn’t easy coming back, especially since I have put a lot of things in jeopardy by being here. I’ve been here for 12 days and in that time I’ve done a lot of thinking and reflection.

Being back in such a highly pressured environment, where people are kicking off every 2 seconds, has made me think. Do I really want to put myself in this environment as a job? I nervously laugh when people are shouting in my face. The staff get attacked near enough on a daily basis. I hate confrontation and I get scared when people are aggressive. Should I really be considering mental health nursing as a career?

My consultant has tried to disuade me from persuing it. I couldn’t even cope with the pressures of working in a GP surgery. What makes me think I’ll be able to deal with working on a ward?

All I want to do is help people. I’m worried that I’ll be putting myself at risk by working in this environment, not only physically when patients get aggressive, but mentally too. All I know is that right now is not the right time for me to be considering this career path. My only worry is when will it ever be the right time? How many relapses does it have to take for enough to be enough?

There’s a lovely nurse here who has been on both sides of the coin. He was an inpatient for many years before becoming a mental health nurse. I really hope that it can work out for me but I don’t want to put myself through all the pressure and hardwork just for it to not work out.

At the minute, I’m at a bit of a loss of what to do. September is 6 months from now and things could be different then but I don’t know whether it’s a risk worth taking.

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